wall to wall

Dear Lisa,

How do I get red wine stains out of my beige carpet?

Yours truly,
I drink too much because I'm a McMaster Grad Student

Dear drink too much,
I think the real question here is “why do I live somewhere with a beige carpet?”
Rip that stuff up. Live with whatever is underneath. Anything is better than beige carpet.
Yours,
Lisa.

Let's talk over beer.

Dear Lisa,

I read a blog by an acquaintance of mine, but she rarely updates it. Should I broach this or let it lie?

Sincerely,
Dave

Dear Dave,
I’ve been thinking about your question and a few things come to mind. The first is that if you are interested in reading more of your friend’s blog, you should encourage her! If you like her stuff, just tell her that you would like to read more. If, for example, your friend runs an advice column out of her blog, perhaps you could send her something to work with. Perhaps she would even return the favour if you happened to have your own blog and needed something to write about…
Lisa.

A side note. I would like to acknowledge that I am well aware that my first two questions are thinly veiled, passive aggressive attacks on my work ethic as both a matchmaker and advice columnist. As an advice columnist I feel it is my responsibility to suggest that both Dave and Fred take a more direct approach to dealing with their “friends” and “acquaintances.” Buy me a beer, tell me your problems. I’ll answer them.

Would you let your friends matchmake for you?

Dear Lisa,
I have an issue with one of my friends. She calls herself the matchmaker, but after many reminders, she yet has to do her job.
What should I tell her?

Fred.

Dear Fred,

Matchmaking is a delicate art. The matchmaker has many things to consider. Many things to take into account. Matchmaking is not something one does on a night when they have nothing else to do. The professional matchmaker sometimes takes years to find perfect mates for her clients. The hobbyist – like your friend – if she is good, will also take her time. Sometimes the match is obvious, sometimes she must mull over her friends’ desires, ambitions, personalities and needs before proceeding with a match. Be patient, if she’s any bit the friend you hope she is; she is just waiting for the perfect girl. As for what to say to her: remind her that you’re still hoping and looking. Perhaps keep her informed about what kinds of girls and what kind of relationship your interested in so she can find your best match.

Lisa.

Ask Lisa

I want to help.
My heroes are Cary Tennis and Prudence, Em&Lo and Miss Information. Lucy, Dear Abby and Emily Post. I'm going to give you advice anyway, so you may as well ask for it.
Email offyrchest@gmail.com or leave your anonymous question in the form of a comment here.
I'll answer anything - you just might not like it.
Lisa.