Revived.

I'm bringing this back to life. I want to tell people what to do and how to live. Post your problems in the comments here or email them to offyrchest@gmail.com I'll try to go easy on you.

Casual Monogamy

Dear Lisa in the flesh,
Sleeping with a boy casually and for an indeterminate amount of time is fun, but now I'm tempted to ask him if he's fucking other people. Should I? How should I?
Love you forever,
Tired and Emotional.

Dear TaE
What a terrible sign-off name.
Are you fucking boy or a man? If you're sleeping with boys then you need a whole other set of advice.

I'm going to assume you're sleeping with a man and proceed from there. You need to determine why it is you want to know if this man is sleeping with other people. Is it for your physical safety? Because you want to move the relationship to the "next level?"

My advice is this. If you want to know, ask. Do it straight. Try this: "Hey, are you fucking other people?"
Just be prepared for the answer.
Lisa.

Advice for the snob.

Ok Lisa,

If I had to run out right now and buy one album, which one should I get? It better not suck.

Signed
Music snob in the big city

Dear Music snob,
Buy the Bruce Peninsula album and then go see them live.
They're big city without the city.
Also: start being a food snob, it's got more clout and tastes better.
Lisa.

Dearest Lisa,

Why am I still awake?

Unsigned.

Dear Nicole (and I know it's you),
I can think of any number of reasons you might be awake.
But are you looking for those reasons? Or my advice?
You're still awake because you imbibed coffee at too advanced an hour.
Because you didn't get enough exercise.
Because you slept in this morning.

I suggest you go to sleep. Or at least get up and do something productive.
What ever it is, don't write. Nobody writes anything good in the middle of the night.
Lisa.

wall to wall

Dear Lisa,

How do I get red wine stains out of my beige carpet?

Yours truly,
I drink too much because I'm a McMaster Grad Student

Dear drink too much,
I think the real question here is “why do I live somewhere with a beige carpet?”
Rip that stuff up. Live with whatever is underneath. Anything is better than beige carpet.
Yours,
Lisa.

Let's talk over beer.

Dear Lisa,

I read a blog by an acquaintance of mine, but she rarely updates it. Should I broach this or let it lie?

Sincerely,
Dave

Dear Dave,
I’ve been thinking about your question and a few things come to mind. The first is that if you are interested in reading more of your friend’s blog, you should encourage her! If you like her stuff, just tell her that you would like to read more. If, for example, your friend runs an advice column out of her blog, perhaps you could send her something to work with. Perhaps she would even return the favour if you happened to have your own blog and needed something to write about…
Lisa.

A side note. I would like to acknowledge that I am well aware that my first two questions are thinly veiled, passive aggressive attacks on my work ethic as both a matchmaker and advice columnist. As an advice columnist I feel it is my responsibility to suggest that both Dave and Fred take a more direct approach to dealing with their “friends” and “acquaintances.” Buy me a beer, tell me your problems. I’ll answer them.

Would you let your friends matchmake for you?

Dear Lisa,
I have an issue with one of my friends. She calls herself the matchmaker, but after many reminders, she yet has to do her job.
What should I tell her?

Fred.

Dear Fred,

Matchmaking is a delicate art. The matchmaker has many things to consider. Many things to take into account. Matchmaking is not something one does on a night when they have nothing else to do. The professional matchmaker sometimes takes years to find perfect mates for her clients. The hobbyist – like your friend – if she is good, will also take her time. Sometimes the match is obvious, sometimes she must mull over her friends’ desires, ambitions, personalities and needs before proceeding with a match. Be patient, if she’s any bit the friend you hope she is; she is just waiting for the perfect girl. As for what to say to her: remind her that you’re still hoping and looking. Perhaps keep her informed about what kinds of girls and what kind of relationship your interested in so she can find your best match.

Lisa.